In discussion related to my last post on modesty, several women, my wife included, have told me that they have experienced significant messages of shame from the evangelical community. They have been told (in essence at least) that their bodies are a source of temptation, and they have been sinning unintentionally by allowing men to see things other than their face. Certain leaders in the church have apparently been putting the responsibility on women to keep men from temptation, and making them feel lewd for not doing so. I had been ignorant to the severity of this dynamic before, but let me say something now that I’m aware: Shame on the people who have shamed women thus!

Men, if you have been telling women that they should cover up because they’re being bad, shame on you. Don’t you know what that does to a woman’s psyche? If a sister’s body is a source of temptation for you, you are probably not the one to confront her. In my opinion, you may sometimes describe to women what’s going on in a man’s mind (like my last post, sort of), but it should be squarely about you, and it should be generic. Do NOT directly confront a girl who is presently contributing to temptation. Even in a church context, if you are a leader and you see a sister making it difficult for some of the brothers, find a female leader.

Ladies, spiritual leaders and mothers, I cannot speak much into your circles or hear what you say to younger daughters of God, but I will say this: shame is not the right way to go about motivation. The right motivation is to value the immense beauty and worth that women have both internally and externally. It is their honor, not their shame, that should be communicated. The need for modesty is because sin has damaged the relationship between women and men, not because one or the other has become inherently bad. In particular, men’s intentions and glances toward women are no longer to be trusted, as they might have been in the Garden. Those of us redeemed who will admit the blackness in our hearts warn our sisters because we know what thoughts go through men’s heads, and it ain’t pretty. So, I think conversations with younger women on modesty should be framed in terms of the protection of valuable things from potential abuse. Let us honor, not shame, the dignity of the beauty of woman.

I just read a blog post on Christianity Today which was originally published in 2011. The post was blasting the phrase “modest is hottest” and the “traditional Christian rhetoric” surrounding modesty, calling it the objectification of women. In other words, it argued, Christians using shame to make women feel like their skin should be hidden is just as bad as non-Christians using pressure to make women feel like they should show some more skin. Why? Because both are focusing on the body. Modesty is unto God, not unto men. How your dress affects a man is of no consequence – modesty is about you and God. The female body should be celebrated, not shamed. Here’s one memorable quote that lots of people liked:

Women’s bodies are not inherently distracting or tempting. On the contrary, women’s bodies glorify God. Dare I say that a woman’s breasts, hips, bottom, and lips all proclaim the glory of the Lord! Each womanly part honors Him. He created the female body, and it is good.

I agree that women’s bodies are created by God and they are good – very very good! The pinnacle of creation, some say. I agree that women are not equal with their bodies, and they should not be objectivized or considered agents of temptation, their visible skin as forbidden fruit. And I’m quite sorry for the generations of men who have quarantined women instead of accepting the proper share of responsibility in the equation of avoiding temptation. On the other hand, I it seems the article is attacking the importance of how a woman’s manner of dress affects men. This is an issue where both brother and sisters must consider each other in love in the Body. Let me make several points to support this, and then I will conclude with a plea to men for ownership in this area, and a plea to women to help us.

• Scientific research has shown that the amount of female skin that a man is exposed to has an affect on his sexual and mental response. (This response is unique to humans.) So, although tribal or less cultured people groups seem to break the mold, we cannot say that the physical definition modesty is entirely derived from culture.
• We live in a fallen world. Maybe women’s bodies were not “inherently distracting or tempting” before sin entered the world, but now they are. The first act of awakened Adam and Eve was to cloth themselves.
• I can affirm from personal experience that it matters what a woman wears, what curves and parts of her body my eye catches, not just the “spirit of modesty” I perceive. I have spent some time around groups of Muslim women in hijab, and frankly, I’ve noticed a difference in my brain chemistry. Even hair makes a difference. Thank you, Muslim ladies.
• Granted, modesty is ultimately to God – “against you and you only have I sinned” – but our relationship to God and our relationships with humans, our brothers and sisters in Christ especially, are extremely intertwined. “And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” (1 John 4:21) In fact, what way is there to show true modesty of spirit if not accompanied by a physical modesty toward our brothers and sisters?
• It is precisely because the parts of a woman’s body are beautiful and special and altogether good that they should be protected and saved. You don’t hang your diamond earrings out the window, and you don’t show the most beautiful treasures of the body to passersby. The practice of covering doesn’t scorn a woman’s body, it exalts it to higher value.

So here is my plea:

Brothers, let us take ownership of our eyes and learn to patrol the boundary between “seeing” and “looking“. If the eye is the door to the soul, let us not blame any woman for what passes through that sacred gate to lodge in our minds – guard it with vigilance. As Job did, we must “make a covenant with our eyes not to look on a woman lustfully.” After all, we have eyelids.

Sisters, take us at our word that it really does help when you wear a little more. Consider us the “weaker brothers,” and make it a bit easier in your company than in the visual minefield we must navigate every day. “Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.” (1 Corinthians 8:13) After all, have you ever seen a Lamborghini in a TV ad? They don’t need to advertise, because they are of such quality. And so are you. Be attractive to the men who are drawn to the “imperishable beauty” of your modesty. The rest of us are jerks and you wouldn’t want us to pursue you anyway.