Just heard this (while listening to Peter Kreeft’s analysis of the philosophy of Star Wars, incidentally) and had to share this lawyer joke for posterity (no offense, friends of the legal persuasion!):

Satan walks into a lawyer’s office and the lawyer asks, “What can I do for you?” Satan replies, “It’s what I can do for you,” and slaps a contract down on the desk. “I can make you richer than Bill Gates, and more powerful than the president of the United States. All you have to do is sell to me your soul, and your wife’s soul, and the souls of your children and grandchildren to the 30th generation.”  The lawyer flips through the contract carefully and finally looks up at Satan skeptically. “Okay,” he says, “What’s the catch?”

A teenager with a crush on a girl all throughout high school finally decides to ask her to the prom, to which she agreed.

Two weeks before the prom he went to rent a tuxedo. When he got to the Tuxedo store there were already people waiting on the tuxedo line, but he waited anyways.

A week before the prom he went to rent a limousine but when he got to the limo office there were people waiting on the limo line, but he waited anyways.

On the day of the prom he went to buy a corsage. When he got to the florist there were people waiting on the the corsage line, but he waited anyways.

During the prom everything was going well, they were dancing and having a good time. The girl whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.

The teenager looks over at the table and there was no punchline.

One time, two children were walking in a forest when they came across a hole in the ground. The hole was very large and deep, and all they saw was blackness below. “Look how deep this is!” said one of the children, “I bet this hole has no bottom. I bet it goes all the way through to China!”

“That’s nonsense!” said the other.

So the first boy took a rock and threw it down the hole. It didn’t make a sound.

“You see!” the first boy said. “No bottom!” But the second boy still didn’t believe him. So he picked up a very big rock and thew it down the hole. “Still no sound!” said the first boy triumphantly.

“I still don’t believe it,” said the second boy. “It’s got to have a bottom.” So the first boy looked around and saw an old railroad tie lying on the ground. “Here,” he said, “give me a hand with this.”

The two boys dragged the heavy piece of metal over to the hole and dumped it in. Still no sound.

“See, I told you so!” said the first boy.

Just then, a goat came running past them, faster than they had ever seen a goat run. It went sprinting right up to the hole and then jumped in, falling down into the darkness.

“Did you see that!” exclaimed the children, “That goat just committed suicide in that hole!”

Just then, a farmer came up along a nearby path in a rusty farm truck.

“Hey, Mister, have you ever seen this hole?” they called to him. He got out of the car and came over. “No, I’ve never seen this hole in my life,” he said.

“Well, we just saw a goat run up and commit suicide by jumping into this hole.” said the boys. “Would that happen to be your goat?”

The farmer replied, “No, that couldn’t have been mine. My goat is tied to a railroad tie.”

Be careful what you’re attached to.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I selected these from “Know Pun Intended” by jardMail. Much thanks to Kristen for bringing these to my attention.

An engaged couple was on their way to get married when they were hit by a semi and died. At the pearly gates they asked Peter, “Hey, we were about to get married. Can we still get married here in heaven?”

Peter said, “I’ll be right back.”

The couple waited there at the gates. They kept waiting there for three months and Peter hadn’t returned. They got to talking, “You know, if we get married in there, it’s for eternity. That’s a huge commitment. I’m not sure if we want to do this.”

Finally after three months Peter came back, his hair dishevelled and his clothes dirty. “Hey St. Peter,” said the couple, “We’re just wondering, if we get married here in heaven, is it a possibility to get a divorce?”

Peter looked at them in disbelief. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said, “It took me three months to find a priest. Do you know how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”