Jerry the squirrel had no care in the world
He frolicked about with his fluffy tail curled
While the other squirrels filled up their winter nut stores
He said, “I like play! I”ve no time for such chores.”
But one day a very long winter came round
And hardly a nut anywhere could be found
Poor squirrels! And not even a berry
And that spring, well, neither could Jerry
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
A man gets stabbed in New York every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
There is no “i” in denial.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
You’re not completely useless; you can always serve as a bad example.
You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.
And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But Frank came fifth and won a toaster.
I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
Just heard this (while listening to Peter Kreeft’s analysis of the philosophy of Star Wars, incidentally) and had to share this lawyer joke for posterity (no offense, friends of the legal persuasion!):
Satan walks into a lawyer’s office and the lawyer asks, “What can I do for you?” Satan replies, “It’s what I can do for you,” and slaps a contract down on the desk. “I can make you richer than Bill Gates, and more powerful than the president of the United States. All you have to do is sell to me your soul, and your wife’s soul, and the souls of your children and grandchildren to the 30th generation.” The lawyer flips through the contract carefully and finally looks up at Satan skeptically. “Okay,” he says, “What’s the catch?”
Some things they do really well in Saudi Arabia:
Some things I miss about America:
A teenager with a crush on a girl all throughout high school finally decides to ask her to the prom, to which she agreed.
Two weeks before the prom he went to rent a tuxedo. When he got to the Tuxedo store there were already people waiting on the tuxedo line, but he waited anyways.
A week before the prom he went to rent a limousine but when he got to the limo office there were people waiting on the limo line, but he waited anyways.
On the day of the prom he went to buy a corsage. When he got to the florist there were people waiting on the the corsage line, but he waited anyways.
During the prom everything was going well, they were dancing and having a good time. The girl whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.
The teenager looks over at the table and there was no punchline.
I am the first thing you see in getting up,
and the last thing you see in sleeping.
I am in the middle of every fight, but I keep silent.
I am essential to language, but I am not expressed in words.
Some say that I am the biggest part of God,
but I do not claim a part in divinity.
Who am I?
I made this graphic back in college in 2006 when I first started doodling around with Photoshop. Dug it up today. Makes me happy.
One time, two children were walking in a forest when they came across a hole in the ground. The hole was very large and deep, and all they saw was blackness below. “Look how deep this is!” said one of the children, “I bet this hole has no bottom. I bet it goes all the way through to China!”
“That’s nonsense!” said the other.
So the first boy took a rock and threw it down the hole. It didn’t make a sound.
“You see!” the first boy said. “No bottom!” But the second boy still didn’t believe him. So he picked up a very big rock and thew it down the hole. “Still no sound!” said the first boy triumphantly.
“I still don’t believe it,” said the second boy. “It’s got to have a bottom.” So the first boy looked around and saw an old railroad tie lying on the ground. “Here,” he said, “give me a hand with this.”
The two boys dragged the heavy piece of metal over to the hole and dumped it in. Still no sound.
“See, I told you so!” said the first boy.
Just then, a goat came running past them, faster than they had ever seen a goat run. It went sprinting right up to the hole and then jumped in, falling down into the darkness.
“Did you see that!” exclaimed the children, “That goat just committed suicide in that hole!”
Just then, a farmer came up along a nearby path in a rusty farm truck.
“Hey, Mister, have you ever seen this hole?” they called to him. He got out of the car and came over. “No, I’ve never seen this hole in my life,” he said.
“Well, we just saw a goat run up and commit suicide by jumping into this hole.” said the boys. “Would that happen to be your goat?”
The farmer replied, “No, that couldn’t have been mine. My goat is tied to a railroad tie.”
Be careful what you’re attached to.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, plis pas on to oza pepl.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I selected these from “Know Pun Intended” by jardMail. Much thanks to Kristen for bringing these to my attention.
Ben Taylor 