“If two people love each other and are committed to each other, then why do they have to be formally married?
I am getting married. Why have I chosen to do this?
I would see no reason why my chosen path were better than a personal, heartfelt commitment, if I did not believe certain presuppositions, namely: (1) Marriage is a spiritual union over which God has agency and authority. (2) The church exercises this authority. (3) Marriage is also a function of the culture/community.
First, if marriage is nothing but a social contract between two consenting adults, then indeed God or the church has no right to meddle. But I think marriage is something more. Jesus’ teaching on marriage is centered around his discourse with the Pharisees, as recorded in Matthew 19.
And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Jesus presupposes here that when marriage happens, God fuses the two people together with a “divine welding device.” When two people are married, their commitment to each other is only one aspect of what happens. They do not only join themselves — God also joins them. There is a spiritual significance and sacredness to being married. It is not “being official” like two people dating.
I’m not entirely sure what this means for people who have consummated their love before being married. Have they already been “married in the eyes of God”, as some put it? I think this might be true. The Mosaic law is interesting: the remedy for a rape scandal was for the man to marry the girl. On an personal aspect, I have been told by people close to me that a little piece of one’s soul is left with every person he/she has been intimate with. In contrast, I suppose there can be no union sweeter than that of two virgins, who can give each other their whole and unadulterated affection. The point is simply this: God acts in marriage to bind together two souls, and because of this divine action, marriage is sacred.
“Why would they need to be married by the church?”
At this point in our philosophy, a monogamous yet not officially married couple would be perfectly fine. I am getting officially married by an ordained pastor (although not physically in my church). Why have I chosen this, not as optional but as essential?
The first premise is simply that, since marriage is sacred, I desire to receive God’s blessing. I can think of no better example than in Braveheart. After William Wallace has secretly married Murron and she has been killed by the English because of it, he approaches her father at her funeral and kneels, head low, before him. The man, who had never given blessing of the marriage, extends his hand, trembling. He almost withdraws it, but finally, with a release of spirit, places it on William’s head. What he gave William there was his blessing on the marriage, and with it his forgiveness for the tragedy. The bittersweetness we feel in that scene is derived from the value of paternal blessing and sanction of marriage–a sanction most important to receive from our heavenly father.
The answer to why the church has to sanction marriage is that the church has been instituted by God with the authority and responsibility to vicariously administer his divine blessing on marriage. I do not believe that God’s authority is in any way limited to the channel of the church, but his people are called the Body of Christ, and God has chosen to work in the world through us (both an honor and a weight). We are given the image of servants managing the assets of the master until his return. A young lad could not easily say that he was serving the master in his absence while evading and undermining the trusted servant whom the master had given charge. Therefore, acknowledging God’s preferred means of communicating his blessing, is essential for those seeking the blessing of God to seek the blessing of the church, unless they are in such a place where there is no church (as in certain Middle Eastern countries, for instance).
I will add a note of comparatively less importance, about why it is fitting to have family and friends at a wedding, or at least, as has been the traditional bottom-line, witnesses. Inasmuch as marriage is primarily an institution given by God, it is also a function of culture, community, and clan. The idea that, having risen to adulthood, two individuals are entirely independent of their relatives, is quite a western idea. Many cultures in the world think of everyone as connected; they see themselves not as individuals, but as inextricable representatives and members of their families and communities–and I think there is some truth to that. My fiancee has said, “You know, when we get married, you’ll be a Gorenflo [her mother’s side].” I have acquiesced. Try as you might, you marry a family, not just an individual. Especially in the wedding ceremony, there is a process of “leaving” as well as “cleaving,” and it seems sad to ignore the sacrifice of the parents in giving their child away to form another family unit, focusing only on the new family unit. I imagine I would want a better sense of closure if I never attended the wedding of my daughter–if I could never take her down the isle, look her man in the face with an eye of understanding and trust, and dance with her one final time. As much as a wedding is essentially about the bride and groom, it is not just about them. No couple is an island.
So that’s why I’m getting married the way I am, as far as I can think of it right now. I’d love dialog on this–comment or email me if you like.