I’ve listened to a great series of podcasts this week. From North Point Ministries’ Andy Stanley.
Some notes:
Love is a verb that you do, not a noun that you feel. If that’s true then “I don’t love her anymore” has a drastically different meaning!
I am supposed to model Jesus’ love to her. That means really considering/treating Beth as more important than me, even if she’s not necessarily objectively more important.
When I bump against Beth and bad “beads” tumble out, it may be partly because of her behavior, but it’s also because there were bad beads in me all along! There are two parts to a negative emotion: what she’s doing and what’s in me. She’s not producing them; she’s not responsible – she’s just eliciting the depravity of my heart. I need to understand what’s in me, the junk I’ve brought into the relationship.
“Above all else, guard your heart” – pay attention, ward off bad guys. Name the emotions I’m feeling. “I’m frustrated” doesn’t cut it. If I name a negative emotion it loses its power. Then, when appropriate, tell my spouse. “When you do this, it makes me feel like this.”
The proper response to someone sharing their emotions is “Thank you for telling me!” followed by [ …silence… ]. Do not retaliate with indignation. No one wants to make their loved one experience negative emotions.
The secret to a healthy marriage is not sharing realistic expectations of each other. In fact, there will always be gaps between our expectations and the reality of what Beth lives up to. The key is what we put in those gaps. We can believe the best or assume the worst. Believing the best says “Oh, they must be really tied up today”; assuming the worst says, “They don’t care about me, they never initiate communication.” People in healthy marriages have unrealistically good “illusions” of each other, they rank their spouse as being better in areas that that person himself/herself ranks lower. I must believe the best about Beth. That’s not irresponsible. Four words go together to communicate this point in 1 Corinthians 13:7: “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”
Ben Taylor 